Pigbristle Chili
FAQ
Q What kind of chili is it?
A What I usually end up might be called Texas-style, thick and corn-y, except that there’s all sorts of beans & stuff floating around. Think tortillas and mole. And spicy. (Actual mileage may vary.)
Q So what’s with “Pigbristles”?
A Long story, you hadda be there.
Q How do I know when it’s time to make some of this chili?
A When you see a beckoning, glowing pile of bright orange Habaneros in your grocer’s produce section.
Q What’s with the recipe? Nobody gives away their chili recipe.
A You’re missing the point. There are few things in this world as flexible, rewarding and tolerant as chili. Gumbo comes to mind, and beer. It’s easy to experiment and hard to screw up. The idea is to have fun. Here’s a place to start.
Q So who do you think you are, Carroll Shelby?
A Jeez. Go suck a Habanero.
The ingredients
1 to 1½ lb stew meat
2 tbsp flour
2 tsp cumin powder
2 tsp oregano flakes (or 1 tsp powdered)
1 tsp black pepper
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped or pressed
(If you grab your garlic & discover it’s turned into a desiccated shell, 1tsp garlic salt works fine)
½ onion, chopped
You can chop the whole onion and use ½ of it for topping if you want
2 to 5 Habanero peppers, minced (see Habanero notes if you value your mucus membranes!)
How Many Habaneros?
§ Why bother
§§ Beginner
§§§ Playing it safe
§§§§ A nice burn
§§§§§ Living dangerously
§§§§§§ Death wish
4 Habaneros results in a chili best appreciated by “pepper professionals.” Lots of bite and probably not suitable for young children. 1 Habanero is mild by anyone’s standard. 2 or 3 might be about right for mixed company. Using more than 6 would probably result in a technically inedible concoction but might be suitable for testosterone-soaked events if accompanied by lots of beer.
1 – 14 oz can cut tomatoes w/juice
8 oz beer. (see Beer Notes)
12 oz Spicy V8 (or use regular V8 & ½ tsp cayenne)
½ oz (1/2 square) unsweetened baker’s chocolate
2 tsp salt
1/3 cup chili powder. (About ½ of one of the large bottles.)
¼ cup masa flour
1 – 8 oz can corn, drained
2 – 14 oz can beans, drained
I like to use 1 can of pintos and 1 can of black beans. Red beans are good too. I’ve never tried garbanzos but what the hell. For gawd’s sake, don’t use any “flavored” beans!
1 shot (1 ½ oz) tequila
You can use fresh ingredients (herbs, beans, corn, heck, roast yer own chili peppers even!) but this will not significantly improve the quality of this chili. This is by design.
The Process
Slice the stew meat up into ½” cubes (or whatever bite-sized shape floats your boat). Dump the meat into a giant Ziploc (1-gallon freezer bag) with the flour, oregano, cumin and pepper, and shake everything till evenly coated.
In a large frying pan, brown the meat in 3 tbsp oil for about 8 minutes (i.e., not quite done). Toss in the onions and garlic, and finish browning (another 2 or 3 minutes).
After the meat has browned, add: tomatoes (& juice), Habaneros, beer, about 2/3 the V8 (save the rest for later), chocolate, chili powder and salt. Return to a simmer and stir till the chocolate’s melted.
Now transfer the chili to a large, heavy pot with a cover. A pre-heated crock pot is ideal. Set heat to medium-low, cover and simmer for 45 minutes. Stir occasionally. Don’t burn the chili onto the bottom of the pot. This is important! The sugars in the beer will turn into a treacly sick-tasting mess.
After 45 minutes, test the meat. It should be tender enough to eat, otherwise, stew for a while more, add more tomato juice if needed.
Mix the masa flour with the rest of the V8. The mixture should be thick but pourable (& lump-free). If you need more fluid, I recommend you do not use beer. Find something else. Beer tends to fizz and make the masa hard to mix smooth. (You weren’t going to use plain water were you?)
Turn the chili up to medium and get it simmering strongly. Then pour the masa mix in, stirring constantly and vigorously. The chili should now be nice&thick but not pasty. Add some “fluid” if it seems too thick.
Add drained corn & beans. (Or, if you want thinner chili, don’t drain them)
Add the tequila. Don’t get stupid and add half a bottle, the alcohol will all burn off anyway and the chili will just taste weird.
Set heat to low, cover and lightly simmer for 15 minutes. Check after 5 minutes to make sure it isn’t boiling. Again, do not burn the chili!
After 15 minutes, turn the heat off, the chili is done. If you leave it covered, you can serve it any time during the next two days (although after a while you’ll have to nuke it a little).
If you want to show off a little, splash another shot of tequila on top of the chili and light it.
It basically boils down to two things: (1) the flavor of the chili depends a lot on the type of beer you use, and (2) I’m not going to tell you what kind of beer to use. Half the fun is digging whatever you’ve got out of the fridge, tossing it in and seeing what happens.
Instead, I’ll mostly tell you what kind of beer to avoid.
Basically, you want to use a dry, lightly-hopped brew. Try to avoid pale ale or ESBs. Also avoid anything that came in a clear or green bottle, or anything that you could afford while in college. It’s more important to avoid a strong, hoppy flavor – that just tastes weird in chili. I like to use Stout, when I have it, and although I haven’t tried it, I bet an Oatmeal Stout would be pretty nice, but if you use a Stout (or any other malty brew) in your chili, you must not burn the mix! Otherwise, the sludge on the bottom of the pot will turn into something like tar, except worse-tasting. A crock-pot is highly recommended.
First of all, basic Pepper Safety:
1) Always use latex or vinyl gloves.
2) Do not touch anything except peppers with said gloves.
3) Wash everything (knives, cutting boards, etc.) thoroughly
You are probably thinking now, “Jeez, what a wimp!” Well, the first time I started fooling around with Habaneros no one explained any of this to me and I discovered that Habaneros are sorta like poison oak. You get pepper juice on your hands (which doesn’t hurt) but then you get it on everything else: your face, your pizzle, your wife/partner/whatever, a lot of places that do hurt. A lot. It can be highly entertaining for everyone else (except maybe your girlfriend) if you’re into that sort of thing, but I would prefer to avoid it.
Yes, you in the back? “What a hassle! I don’t date a nurse. I don’t have any gloves. I’ll just be careful.”
Well, first of all, gloves are easy to get. Just go to Togo’s and order a pair of gloves to go with your #9. If you ask after they’ve made the sandwich but before you’ve paid, there’s usually no problem.
But if you’re insisting on proceeding with the “macho method” at least don’t be stupid. After dicing up the peppers you will have to clean your hands. “Soft soap” just doesn’t work all that well. (There’s a reason: capsaicin, the guilty party, is not water-soluble and doesn’t wash off easily.) What does work is the mechanic’s hand cleaner that every real man keeps in his garage. In a pinch, a blast or two of WD-40 also works.
Even using industrial hand cleaners usually takes 2 or 3 applications. How to tell when you’re safe? One way is to suck on your fingers, and see if any residual fire remains. A better way is to have your S.O. suck on your fingers. Once she (or he) stops trying to dip them in the guacamole you’re probably OK to handle things on your own.